I usually don’t rep the Maize and Blue out in public around here. Not because this is PSU country, they are almost always pretty cool. After our Hockey team beat them in overtime in what was all but a home.game for them, on the walk back to the parking garage we caught a little tongue-in-cheek ribbing, but all of them were really nice to us. In fact, I’ve never had an altercation with PSU fans up in Happy Valley in the 20 years they’ve been in the B1G. Plus, they HATE…I mean HATE suckeyes for their lowest common denominator trailer park trash behavior. Remember all the posts from Texas fans all those years ago when they played in Cowtown? None of them were about the game, every thread on their largest fan site were stories about how appalling and disgusting low class acts they witnessed or had to endure from OSU cultists. That game was the reason Suckeye fans got my favorite derisive nickname of theirs from other fanbases..
“Cooler Poopers” - because the Port-a-Potties were overflowing from being full, the parking lot was full of coolers osu fans took dumps in, in daylight in front of hundreds of people, likely with no TP…then just leaving thousands of these pooped in coolers for the cleaning crews to deal with. The Texas fans who witnessed this event were disguste, and osu’s fans usual behavior towards opposing fans sealed it for the Longhorn fans that Suckeye fans are the worst..ever, and the “Cooler Pooper” osu fan insult was born..I only wish all of college football embraced it so it became the primary way to rip on osu trailer park fans. it must have to do with the ohio diet that makes them take dumps the size of large horses or Cattle. The only event I ever saw that happen at Woodstock II, which was a complete microcosm of the breakdown of human civilization.
So now I set the stage, I was flying the colors doing last minute shopping for my sister, who has turned into an amateur mixologist and bourbon is her liquor of choice. You guys who know me, I can’t just by anything popular, from music to looking for a special bourbon with something that makes it unique. Now you bourbon professionals here will probably laugh at me, as you likely know all about the brand I found, but I’ve been out of the drinking game for almost 8 years now and my knowledge of the latest and greatest stopped then. I picked out a bottle of Jefferson’s just for the backstory of following Thomas Jefferson’s colonial era recipe. I thought that was cool and unique. That’s when I heard someone say, “Getting ready for Alabama kick your ass next week?” Then followed by I swear sounded like 2 teen girls giggling. I usually keep my head down in public because, due to the way my ice blue eyes (girls love them. They say they are “fierce“. I’ll take that.) and naturally furrowed brow, coupled with the fact I’m not a smiler unless I have a reason to do so, tend to scare people if I keep my head up. Strangers will ask, “what’s wrong?” because of the way I naturally look. Hence, I find it best to keep my head down while I do my business. But after the Michigan insult, I took the hood of my hoodie off before I slowly raised my head for the full affect of my “Angry Todd” nickname face to hit what were 2 Gen Y sucknuts who weren’t from around here, and I could see on their faces that looking them both right in the eyes scared those punks a little. I knew they were from Ohio visiting because we actually have a lot of suckeyes that live here permanently. They all keep their mouths shut unless they intend to make a comment of friendly sportsmanship, because this is Philly man,.,we all operate by what I call “prison yard cordiality“ it’s a kind of cold blooded politeness among a community of killers, and everyone is expected to follow the rules because it keeps the peace in a city of people who aggressively take no shit from anybody. So if some young guy doesn’t hold the door for the elderly couple right behind him, he won’t make it three steps in the store before somebody gets in his face and chews his ass out about it..warning him he’s lucky he didn’t just kick his ass Instead. Ohio people learned that real quick upon moving to this city and learned to behave, because this is Penn State country and they HATE ohio people just as much as we do.
So my replied by hitting back with, “Aaw..are your asses still chapped for getting your ass kicked by us 3 years in row? Make a left 2 streets up and you’ll find a Rite Aid, I’m sure you two whiny sucknuts can get a big bottle of Chapped Baby’s Ass Cream there to help ease your pain.”
They got louder until I cut them off by saying, “look around, you two cretin’s ..do I need to explain to you that means you’re idiots?..you are surrounded by Philly folks in my town..half the people in this store recognize me as local. Philly is a whole different animal than any other city in the country. We self-police ourselves and especially outsiders. Act like assholes and you will get dealt with immediately, even by the women here as well. There is 30 sets of eyes on us right now and look at my face, I’m fighting the urge to bust both of your noses up into your sinus cavities in your skull. I strongly advise you to STFU, do your shopping, and GTFO of here. Philly don’t tolerate dumbassery…especially from sucknuts. PSU people despise you football Nazis nearly as much as we do, just some FYI in case you’re as oblivious as you look. Now..I’ve done my duty as a Philadelphian, you’ve been warned. If you go out to Isaac Newton’s tonite and continue being jerks, you’ll wake up cold and bleeding in the parking lot. Don’t expect help from the cops either..once they take witness statements, they may arrest you for some charge..whether you deserve it or not. Good day gentlemen.” Then pushed my way between them on the way to the register.
On my way out, I couldn’t stop the impulse for one final cutting bit of sarcasm. I turned at the door while they were at the register only a few feet away, saying “Hey sucknuts, good luck in the Ky Jelly “Heat” personal Lubrication Gel Bowl.“ as I was leaving. As I was walking to my Ford, I saw a Toyota truck..red of course.. plastered with OSU stickers. Walking by pulled out my punch dagger and dragged the tip from the front fender to the tailgate. Don’t judge, a result of my TBI injury is I’ve lost all impulse control. They’re lucky that’s all I did. I could have easily punctured all 4 oversized off road Toyo tires that would cost 3 grand to replace. Merry effing Christmas sucknuts!
Lastly, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Kwanzaa to all my old friends here at The Den. I was so happy to see so many of the oldheads still here after my awful experience at TOS. I’m elated to be back home and realize it’s still the same special place. So much respect to
@Josh Henschke for keeping the ship afloat and doing all the hard work restoring The Den to what it was before the exodus that I certainly regretted my mistake..honestly, I’m embarrassed I left because I’m smarter than that. I should have known what would happen. Just so grateful for TMBR and The Den..can’t express how much it means to me to be back home.
Now let’s win the whole effin’ thing, sign jim to whatever contract it takes..because the first offer is always a lowball offer..I’m sure they’ll make him the highest paid coach in college football. Without Jim, we are Nebraska…that’s a fact. Pay him…Pay that man his money. He’s earned it.
- Argus
michigan.rivals.com
