One are where our 2024 class is not very strong is... names.
Here's how they stack up...
1. I'Marion Stewart. By a wide margin, the highest rated commitment on the NTWSGWEBBM (Name That Would Sound Great When Exclaimed By Brent Musburger) scale - a solid 8.5. Do the voice in your head: Warren rolls to his right, looking deep... he has a man... it's I'Marion Stewart! Wide open! He's at the 20, the 10, and... into the end zone, and Michigan has taken the lead in the Horseshoe.
2. Devon Baxter. Solid 6.5 -7 on the NTWSGWEBBM. You can hear it: Noland is under pressure and down... he... goes! Devon Baxter!
3. Jacob Oden. Not bad. And if he ever gets drafted by Baltimore, the "Jacob Oden's a Raven!" memes just make themselves.
4. Jadyn Davis. The less-common spelling of "Jadyn" helps a bit, and it's a name that works for any offensive skill position, safety or EDGE rusher.
5. Jerod Smith. No real "bite" to it, no creativity, not notably fun to say, but a generically pleasing sports name.
5a. Jaden Smith. See Jerod Smith.
7. Jordan Marshall. 5 on the NTWSGWEBBM. Not great, not bad.
The rest don't sound like football players...
Ted Hammond. Sold you a great home insurance policy.
Owen Wafle. Stay-at-home defenseman for Minnesota-Duluth.
Luke Hamilton. Wafle's defense partner. The puck-mover and quarterback of the power play.
Channing Goodwin. Connecticut prep school trust fund baby who lived on your floor in Alice Lloyd and you don't really like because he's kind of a prick, and you avoid his Facebook feed because it's clear he spends way too much time at his country club and doesn't do any more work than some occasional "real estate development" and that annoys you, but you still go visit him at his parents' house in the Hamptons once a year because he throws an annual summer bash that is off the hook, and that's the only time you ever see him.
Manuel Beigel. Assassinated by the Mossad while heading home from attending a Boca Juniors match in Buenos Aires, where he had been living for a long time now.
Micah Ka'apana. Character who got left on the cutting room floor in the making of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall".
Cole Sullivan. Up-and-coming NASCAR driver.
Zach Ludwig. Middling, obscure high school football talent who hasn't really attracted any college interest, but his uncle is a well-known strength coach and managed to get him a scholarship.
Hogan Hansen. Pled guilty to a couple of misdemeanors connected with Gamergate and a "Law & Order: SVU" episode was loosely based on his case.
Brady Prieskorn. Frontman for the Viking metal band, Prieskorn.
Ben Roebuck. Republican Congressman from western Virginia. Or West Virginia. I can't remember which.
Jake Guarnera. Outfielder for the Seattle Mariners' AAA Tacoma affiliate. Has been in 3 other organizations by the age of 25 and is generally considered to be a "quadruple-A player". But he's a lefthanded bat who continues to get periodic MLB callups.
Blake Frazier. See Cole Sullivan.
Mason Curtis. Character left on the cutting room floor in the making of "The Outsiders". The brother of Darry, Sodapop and Ponyboy, Mason "Mase" Curtis moved away to Dallas two years before the events of the film.
Andrew Sprague. Fictional Gilded Age industrialist portrayed fawningly in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged". In a comically ironic decision, the University of South Carolina named their business school after him despite his not being real.
Here's how they stack up...
1. I'Marion Stewart. By a wide margin, the highest rated commitment on the NTWSGWEBBM (Name That Would Sound Great When Exclaimed By Brent Musburger) scale - a solid 8.5. Do the voice in your head: Warren rolls to his right, looking deep... he has a man... it's I'Marion Stewart! Wide open! He's at the 20, the 10, and... into the end zone, and Michigan has taken the lead in the Horseshoe.
2. Devon Baxter. Solid 6.5 -7 on the NTWSGWEBBM. You can hear it: Noland is under pressure and down... he... goes! Devon Baxter!
3. Jacob Oden. Not bad. And if he ever gets drafted by Baltimore, the "Jacob Oden's a Raven!" memes just make themselves.
4. Jadyn Davis. The less-common spelling of "Jadyn" helps a bit, and it's a name that works for any offensive skill position, safety or EDGE rusher.
5. Jerod Smith. No real "bite" to it, no creativity, not notably fun to say, but a generically pleasing sports name.
5a. Jaden Smith. See Jerod Smith.
7. Jordan Marshall. 5 on the NTWSGWEBBM. Not great, not bad.
The rest don't sound like football players...
Ted Hammond. Sold you a great home insurance policy.
Owen Wafle. Stay-at-home defenseman for Minnesota-Duluth.
Luke Hamilton. Wafle's defense partner. The puck-mover and quarterback of the power play.
Channing Goodwin. Connecticut prep school trust fund baby who lived on your floor in Alice Lloyd and you don't really like because he's kind of a prick, and you avoid his Facebook feed because it's clear he spends way too much time at his country club and doesn't do any more work than some occasional "real estate development" and that annoys you, but you still go visit him at his parents' house in the Hamptons once a year because he throws an annual summer bash that is off the hook, and that's the only time you ever see him.
Manuel Beigel. Assassinated by the Mossad while heading home from attending a Boca Juniors match in Buenos Aires, where he had been living for a long time now.
Micah Ka'apana. Character who got left on the cutting room floor in the making of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall".
Cole Sullivan. Up-and-coming NASCAR driver.
Zach Ludwig. Middling, obscure high school football talent who hasn't really attracted any college interest, but his uncle is a well-known strength coach and managed to get him a scholarship.
Hogan Hansen. Pled guilty to a couple of misdemeanors connected with Gamergate and a "Law & Order: SVU" episode was loosely based on his case.
Brady Prieskorn. Frontman for the Viking metal band, Prieskorn.
Ben Roebuck. Republican Congressman from western Virginia. Or West Virginia. I can't remember which.
Jake Guarnera. Outfielder for the Seattle Mariners' AAA Tacoma affiliate. Has been in 3 other organizations by the age of 25 and is generally considered to be a "quadruple-A player". But he's a lefthanded bat who continues to get periodic MLB callups.
Blake Frazier. See Cole Sullivan.
Mason Curtis. Character left on the cutting room floor in the making of "The Outsiders". The brother of Darry, Sodapop and Ponyboy, Mason "Mase" Curtis moved away to Dallas two years before the events of the film.
Andrew Sprague. Fictional Gilded Age industrialist portrayed fawningly in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged". In a comically ironic decision, the University of South Carolina named their business school after him despite his not being real.
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