Dear Sparty,
Thank you for you continued interest and bothersome inquiry regarding my plans for Saturday evening, April 6th 2019. You define plans very broadly consisting of the following parameters: where I will be physically located at the time of 8:49 pm EST, will my Xfinity high-definition X1 box be tuned in to CBS and what will my team of choice will be in the Michigan State University vs. Texas Tech University Final Four basketball competition. My only response and question for you is, “Why do you care?” I believe I know the answer.
Let us set the tone for my response as we dig into your inane personal investigation into my plans. I am the following:
· A University of Michigan lifetime fan
· A University of Michigan degree holder
· A University of Michigan men’s basketball season ticket holder
· A University of Michigan football season ticket holder
· A no man – the opposite of a yes man for you packaging degree graduates (styrofoam peanuts suck – deal with it)
· Someone who walks through life with my eyes open and a memory that would make an elephant green with envy (pun alert – need some more box tape in the mailroom, please)
I am also not the following:
· A Michigan State University anything
· Someone that likes to be pressured into following the popular choice
· A fan of most people – especially short ones with erratic temperaments and egos that out measure their physical stature by at least a good 5 inches (still under 6 feet)
Now that the basics are out of the way let me also state that, to my knowledge, I have not asked or had the unrealistic expectation for a rival or someone of the opposing viewpoint of my chosen sports teams, political affiliations, sexual orientation, religion, or sustenance choice (omnivore, carnivore or herbivore) to lay down their sword and fight for my cult for a defined or loose parameter of time. I do not use the words ‘ever’ or ‘never’ in this description because we’ve all done things when we were young and/or intoxicated that we can’t be completely sure about. I’ve always lived by the edict that if you’re not with me you’re against me. I like competition. I like differences in opinions and philosophy (except yours). I like that I think I’m better than you and you consider that arrogance personified. Many of you who pester me and others of a similar ilk know these characteristics that define us yet you still press for our support. You ask for adherence to some make believe code of support for mutual geography, statehood and B1G conference affiliation that you have never followed when the tables were turned (think all the way back to the 2018 Final Four). This takes us back to the original question of what motivates you to ask for my blessing?
It’s always easy to go back to the baseline rationale of Little Brother Syndrome which we all know still exists and runs deep through your Cedar River blood. But something else has happened over the past few years that didn’t exist in 2009 when you were trying to knock off my block M ball cap at the Final 4 in Detroit for the simple reason that I wasn’t on my knees pleasuring your team. My hypothesis is that the new underlying factor is guilt. Guilt over all of the horrible occurrences that have finally been uncovered in East Landfill. No, this is not a Dr. Nassar-only argument. No, this is not ESPN’s failure for making some bad decisions about how they packaged some of their criminal reportings about your institution. No, this is not jealousy or bitterness on my end because my team was sent home in the Sweet 16. This guilt exists because many of you now understand that little Tommy isn’t a good egg. I give you credit for your cognitive ability to come to this tough decision regarding a fallen micro-hero that you celebrated and worshipped many a time as he climbed a 14-foot Werner ladder in order to cut down nets that hung from 10 foot rims. The problem is you’ve completely internalized this realization and the only way to rationalize your culpability for supporting this pint-sized monster is to convince those who outwardly oppose your loose morals to fall into a similar state of mind. Your subconscious has committed your soul to Stockholm syndrome and this struggle has you stuck in an emotional traffic roundabout with no exit available – if only Michigan fans would drive in and join you. News flash – it ain’t happening.
The inevitable response to my assertion, other than the three previously mentioned, is cross examination along the lines of, “What has Izzo done? How can you call him a bad guy, a dirt bag, a protagonist to all that is good in higher education and athletic competition? Where is your proof?” These questions are assumptive at face value, yet completely rhetorical at their core. It is not I who needs to present evidence to prove guilt, it is you who needs to provide a counter to all that has been reported, swept away, ignored and hidden in plain sight for years. The media has done their part to protect this half man as they fear being ostracized from his insider discussions and chummy encounters as he has done to any who question his moral authority. He opens his door and invites in the press more than other similarly established and accomplished coaches yet preys on the fears and vulnerabilities of these journalists who fear falling on the outside of this mirage of friendship. They are welcome to ask him anything and often speak to his transparent nature, however, there is always a locked closet within the confines of that environment that is not to be acknowledged or discussed in order to maintain the broader benefit of the perceived mutual relationship. This closet contains things like the 4 sexual assault allegations that never made it past the investigative starting block. The two transfers to Iowa State who had been caught up in narcotics issues many times yet only told to move on once other options were ready and available to take over their roles. The lack of discipline for and follow-up investigation of the rising senior pulled over in a brand new vehicle that “belonged to the girlfriend of a sibling” with illegal drugs still burning in the ashtray. The Athletic Director who fell on his sword immediately so that his highest profile and greatest revenue generating coaches could not be questioned about past indiscretions. Mateen – too much to list. These are but a few of the many publicly known occurrences that scar Tom’s resume. The hinges on the door of this closet are buckling at the seams with the skeletons ready to dance but they continue to wait on a local media member to turn Thriller on from a boom box and lead them into the streets.
So we’ve nailed the micro analysis but that’s the part that you, Sparty, love to make excuses for and reliably can due to the lack of legal enforcement of these violations. You fall back on the false generalization of “everybody does it” that your parents tried to teach you as a youngster wasn’t a valid argument – and it still isn’t. You attempt to use the NCAA faux investigation of the Miles Bridges’ payout and the Izzo/D’Antonio cover-up scandal as a counterpoint. This is beyond laughable in our argument until Mark Emmert and his band of cronies actually throw a violation at a program that doesn’t pull their own pants down and request a colonoscopy - like Michigan did to their basketball program post-Ed Martin. So where does that leave us on the macro landscape as we stare at each other at midfield and our maize and blue cleats show no respect for your top-notch grass growing (turf management) expertise? We dip back into the guilt argument to utilize the continuing pattern of cover-up that MSU leadership and legal resources are just starting to ease up on - but not fully as they are still telling the Michigan Attorney General to pound sand regularly. For some reason you believe this cover up mentality only pertains to your women’s gymnastics team and osteopathic school. However, anyone with an 8th grade education (MSU graduate degree) can easily correlate this behavior to many facets of your institution - looking at you Joel Ferguson and Stu Dunnings. Nobody throws their cash cows (pigskin and hoops) to the wolves while attempting to only protect an old dairy cow (gymnastics) that provides no financial benefit.
We’ve now established the micro and macro issues at hand, so it’s time to slap them together and make a Payne/Appling sandwich (too far?). We are left with a fan base who has blinders on for all things Izzo despite the evidence on a large and small scale, so how do they react? Everything spins back to the guilt factor and the answer to our initial question is realized – you seek validation.
Let us define this hope for validation. Who sits on the other side of the confession wall and senses the relief you need from these sins that burn in you more than thine enemy in blue? Who sees through the cracks of your backyard fence and knows the behavior that goes on between your spouse and the mailman more than thine neighbor in maize? Who sits on the barstool next to you and better observes the loathing you have for your MSU faults while you attempt to hide them behind dozens of Miller Lites and lemon drop shots like your sibling from Ann Arbor? Nobody. And thus the need, the want and the craving for some type of validation from Michigan fans. Somehow if Tom can pull off this weekend you feel as if this guilt will be completely washed away and the need for validation will be unnecessary because all arguments, facts and counterpoints will be nullified by a championship trophy. I assure you, this will only strengthen my voice and that of my Ann Arbor brethren that the Ewok from Iron Mountain might be a good basketball coach, but all else that defines him as a bad person and shameful character deserves to see the light of day.
From this point forward, please don’t look to me to be your Dr. Melfi and invite you to lie down on my coach and help work through your guilt while making no change to your behavior. Stay hidden on your sidelines while I stand proudly on mine. Enjoy your weekend but do not expect me to have any feeling of joy or respect for what your team might accomplish. My conscious is free and will not act a safety net for your emotional tight rope walk as you toss and turn at night hoping that the light continues to stay locked away in the green and white darkness.
Remember, this is all ESPN’s fault and you have nothing to apologize for.
Sincerely,
A Michigan man
Thank you for you continued interest and bothersome inquiry regarding my plans for Saturday evening, April 6th 2019. You define plans very broadly consisting of the following parameters: where I will be physically located at the time of 8:49 pm EST, will my Xfinity high-definition X1 box be tuned in to CBS and what will my team of choice will be in the Michigan State University vs. Texas Tech University Final Four basketball competition. My only response and question for you is, “Why do you care?” I believe I know the answer.
Let us set the tone for my response as we dig into your inane personal investigation into my plans. I am the following:
· A University of Michigan lifetime fan
· A University of Michigan degree holder
· A University of Michigan men’s basketball season ticket holder
· A University of Michigan football season ticket holder
· A no man – the opposite of a yes man for you packaging degree graduates (styrofoam peanuts suck – deal with it)
· Someone who walks through life with my eyes open and a memory that would make an elephant green with envy (pun alert – need some more box tape in the mailroom, please)
I am also not the following:
· A Michigan State University anything
· Someone that likes to be pressured into following the popular choice
· A fan of most people – especially short ones with erratic temperaments and egos that out measure their physical stature by at least a good 5 inches (still under 6 feet)
Now that the basics are out of the way let me also state that, to my knowledge, I have not asked or had the unrealistic expectation for a rival or someone of the opposing viewpoint of my chosen sports teams, political affiliations, sexual orientation, religion, or sustenance choice (omnivore, carnivore or herbivore) to lay down their sword and fight for my cult for a defined or loose parameter of time. I do not use the words ‘ever’ or ‘never’ in this description because we’ve all done things when we were young and/or intoxicated that we can’t be completely sure about. I’ve always lived by the edict that if you’re not with me you’re against me. I like competition. I like differences in opinions and philosophy (except yours). I like that I think I’m better than you and you consider that arrogance personified. Many of you who pester me and others of a similar ilk know these characteristics that define us yet you still press for our support. You ask for adherence to some make believe code of support for mutual geography, statehood and B1G conference affiliation that you have never followed when the tables were turned (think all the way back to the 2018 Final Four). This takes us back to the original question of what motivates you to ask for my blessing?
It’s always easy to go back to the baseline rationale of Little Brother Syndrome which we all know still exists and runs deep through your Cedar River blood. But something else has happened over the past few years that didn’t exist in 2009 when you were trying to knock off my block M ball cap at the Final 4 in Detroit for the simple reason that I wasn’t on my knees pleasuring your team. My hypothesis is that the new underlying factor is guilt. Guilt over all of the horrible occurrences that have finally been uncovered in East Landfill. No, this is not a Dr. Nassar-only argument. No, this is not ESPN’s failure for making some bad decisions about how they packaged some of their criminal reportings about your institution. No, this is not jealousy or bitterness on my end because my team was sent home in the Sweet 16. This guilt exists because many of you now understand that little Tommy isn’t a good egg. I give you credit for your cognitive ability to come to this tough decision regarding a fallen micro-hero that you celebrated and worshipped many a time as he climbed a 14-foot Werner ladder in order to cut down nets that hung from 10 foot rims. The problem is you’ve completely internalized this realization and the only way to rationalize your culpability for supporting this pint-sized monster is to convince those who outwardly oppose your loose morals to fall into a similar state of mind. Your subconscious has committed your soul to Stockholm syndrome and this struggle has you stuck in an emotional traffic roundabout with no exit available – if only Michigan fans would drive in and join you. News flash – it ain’t happening.
The inevitable response to my assertion, other than the three previously mentioned, is cross examination along the lines of, “What has Izzo done? How can you call him a bad guy, a dirt bag, a protagonist to all that is good in higher education and athletic competition? Where is your proof?” These questions are assumptive at face value, yet completely rhetorical at their core. It is not I who needs to present evidence to prove guilt, it is you who needs to provide a counter to all that has been reported, swept away, ignored and hidden in plain sight for years. The media has done their part to protect this half man as they fear being ostracized from his insider discussions and chummy encounters as he has done to any who question his moral authority. He opens his door and invites in the press more than other similarly established and accomplished coaches yet preys on the fears and vulnerabilities of these journalists who fear falling on the outside of this mirage of friendship. They are welcome to ask him anything and often speak to his transparent nature, however, there is always a locked closet within the confines of that environment that is not to be acknowledged or discussed in order to maintain the broader benefit of the perceived mutual relationship. This closet contains things like the 4 sexual assault allegations that never made it past the investigative starting block. The two transfers to Iowa State who had been caught up in narcotics issues many times yet only told to move on once other options were ready and available to take over their roles. The lack of discipline for and follow-up investigation of the rising senior pulled over in a brand new vehicle that “belonged to the girlfriend of a sibling” with illegal drugs still burning in the ashtray. The Athletic Director who fell on his sword immediately so that his highest profile and greatest revenue generating coaches could not be questioned about past indiscretions. Mateen – too much to list. These are but a few of the many publicly known occurrences that scar Tom’s resume. The hinges on the door of this closet are buckling at the seams with the skeletons ready to dance but they continue to wait on a local media member to turn Thriller on from a boom box and lead them into the streets.
So we’ve nailed the micro analysis but that’s the part that you, Sparty, love to make excuses for and reliably can due to the lack of legal enforcement of these violations. You fall back on the false generalization of “everybody does it” that your parents tried to teach you as a youngster wasn’t a valid argument – and it still isn’t. You attempt to use the NCAA faux investigation of the Miles Bridges’ payout and the Izzo/D’Antonio cover-up scandal as a counterpoint. This is beyond laughable in our argument until Mark Emmert and his band of cronies actually throw a violation at a program that doesn’t pull their own pants down and request a colonoscopy - like Michigan did to their basketball program post-Ed Martin. So where does that leave us on the macro landscape as we stare at each other at midfield and our maize and blue cleats show no respect for your top-notch grass growing (turf management) expertise? We dip back into the guilt argument to utilize the continuing pattern of cover-up that MSU leadership and legal resources are just starting to ease up on - but not fully as they are still telling the Michigan Attorney General to pound sand regularly. For some reason you believe this cover up mentality only pertains to your women’s gymnastics team and osteopathic school. However, anyone with an 8th grade education (MSU graduate degree) can easily correlate this behavior to many facets of your institution - looking at you Joel Ferguson and Stu Dunnings. Nobody throws their cash cows (pigskin and hoops) to the wolves while attempting to only protect an old dairy cow (gymnastics) that provides no financial benefit.
We’ve now established the micro and macro issues at hand, so it’s time to slap them together and make a Payne/Appling sandwich (too far?). We are left with a fan base who has blinders on for all things Izzo despite the evidence on a large and small scale, so how do they react? Everything spins back to the guilt factor and the answer to our initial question is realized – you seek validation.
Let us define this hope for validation. Who sits on the other side of the confession wall and senses the relief you need from these sins that burn in you more than thine enemy in blue? Who sees through the cracks of your backyard fence and knows the behavior that goes on between your spouse and the mailman more than thine neighbor in maize? Who sits on the barstool next to you and better observes the loathing you have for your MSU faults while you attempt to hide them behind dozens of Miller Lites and lemon drop shots like your sibling from Ann Arbor? Nobody. And thus the need, the want and the craving for some type of validation from Michigan fans. Somehow if Tom can pull off this weekend you feel as if this guilt will be completely washed away and the need for validation will be unnecessary because all arguments, facts and counterpoints will be nullified by a championship trophy. I assure you, this will only strengthen my voice and that of my Ann Arbor brethren that the Ewok from Iron Mountain might be a good basketball coach, but all else that defines him as a bad person and shameful character deserves to see the light of day.
From this point forward, please don’t look to me to be your Dr. Melfi and invite you to lie down on my coach and help work through your guilt while making no change to your behavior. Stay hidden on your sidelines while I stand proudly on mine. Enjoy your weekend but do not expect me to have any feeling of joy or respect for what your team might accomplish. My conscious is free and will not act a safety net for your emotional tight rope walk as you toss and turn at night hoping that the light continues to stay locked away in the green and white darkness.
Remember, this is all ESPN’s fault and you have nothing to apologize for.
Sincerely,
A Michigan man
