Wild Stalions
The biggest story leading into Week 8 was the allegation that Michigan was surreptitiously stealing signs and has been since at least 2021. But for all the attention the story got, it's worth recapping the key details: A low-level staffer with a military background has emerged as a person of interest in the NCAA investigation into Michigan's alleged sign-stealing operation, sources told ESPN on Thursday.His name is Connor Stalions.
Let that sink in. If Jim Harbaugh had hired a ninja named Brock Espionage as the team's director of [REDACTED], it wouldn't have been any funnier.
The operation, which was described by a source as "elaborate," has given Michigan all the insider info it's needed to beat teams like Bowling Green, Rutgers, Nebraska and Indiana. Those wins can't just be luck.
Still, we have to assume that at some point last week, Stalions was marched into Harbaugh's office, where the furious Michigan coach was hunched over his desk, eyes bulging, face red.
Harbaugh: "Dammit Stalions, give me one good reason I shouldn't have your employee badge and khakis right now!"
Stalions, coolly: "Because, sir ... I get results."
And he's right! Without Stalions' alleged advance scouting, surely Michigan wouldn't have escaped rival Michigan State 49-0. It would've been more like 49-3. And instead of throwing for four touchdowns, J.J. McCarthy might've thrown for three and rushed for one. And certainly there's no chance the Spartans would've been held to just 190 yards of offense. We have every confidence that, in an honestly played contest, Michigan State gets to at least 200 on a garbage-time scramble on fourth-and-26.
Meanwhile, in a bunker buried deep beneath the Big House, Harbaugh and his staff gather around a table surrounded by monitors showing the all-22 from Buckeyes games. A cacophony of frustration erupts among coaches.
Suddenly, a shadowy figure who looks strangely like James Franklin enters and hands Harbaugh a sealed envelope. Harbaugh opens the letter and slides out a single sheet of paper. It reads: "Marvin Harrison Jr. is really good."
