Speight vs. O’Korn. Drevno vs. Pep. RR vs. Hoke. Dantonio vs. his laxatives. We’ve spent the last 10+ years arguing about all the wrong issues while trying to figure out what the hell happened to the greatness that disappeared from our beloved Michigan football program.
It finally dawned on me yesterday what the root cause of our problem is. But unlike many of you inferior posters, I come armed to this thread not just with the identification of a problem, but a fully thought-out and executable solution as well.
I have been on this planet for nearly 41 years and have been watching Michigan football games regularly since 1980. As we all know, there’s a clear line of history for UM football from 1969-2000 and then from 2001 onward. It was originally believed to be the hiring of Jim Tressel coinciding with the beginning of the decline of Lloyd Carr, but as both coaches have been gone for years while our troubles still remain, the true answer must lie elsewhere.
And I now realize that this “elsewhere” is under the roof of my own house, in the form of a 5’3 Italian woman who I have been married to for the past 12 years. We started dating in the Spring of 2001 and things have never been the same for UM football since. After doing the math, I informed her yesterday that “her” record against OSU since we’ve been together is a miserable 2-14, while in the 21 seasons preceding our relationship UM’s record was 14-6-1.
It gets even worse. I think I can trace the exact date when I sold out Michigan football to the Devil in the name of “true love”. On Saturday November 17, 2001, Michigan played Wisconsin and pulled a victory out of their @sses for the ages. I was in Vegas with my then girlfriend for my birthday weekend, and we were watching the game in the Caesar’s sports book. The euphoria of the incredible ending must have consumed me, or perhaps it was the excessive amounts of alcohol I had been drinking that day and evening. Either way, later on that night was the first time my future wife and I uttered the words “I love you” to each other, and nothing has been right for UM football ever since.
The very next week was our first taste of Tressel Ball in a mind numbing loss to an inferior OSU team, and things have been crappy for our beloved Wolverines for almost every year thereafter. While my wife somehow managed not to taint my other favorite sports teams (Wings, Pistons, Tigers and to be honest, what could she possibly do to the Lions that they hadn’t already done to themselves?), she has clearly been the Black Widow for UM football.
While UM football has suffered, our marriage has thrived, which I can only assume is due to a Rogue-type X-Men power she must possess to transfer the previous strength of UM football into our relationship. This must be the case since before we got together, I couldn’t stay in a relationship for longer than 6 months.
I love my wife very much, but I now know what must be done. I am going to contact a divorce attorney in the morning, and even though I will be looking at a gaping hole in my personal life and a substantial hit to my wallet from the alimony payments, I am ready to take one for the team. Being the “leaders and best” means making the right moral decision, even if it’s an unpopular one, all in the name of the greater good.
We have a huge road test coming up against the #2 team in the country with John F’ing O’Korn as our QB. I must leave nothing to chance. I will keep all of you apprised on what will hopefully be an expeditied divorce proceeding, and I will be sure to sign the words “Go Blue” on every future child support check.
If you think I am being outlandish with this procolomation, I urge you for once to stop thinking about your otherwise worthless selves, and focus instead on the only thing in this world that matters:
The team
The Team
THE TEAM
Thanks and Go Blue!
It finally dawned on me yesterday what the root cause of our problem is. But unlike many of you inferior posters, I come armed to this thread not just with the identification of a problem, but a fully thought-out and executable solution as well.
I have been on this planet for nearly 41 years and have been watching Michigan football games regularly since 1980. As we all know, there’s a clear line of history for UM football from 1969-2000 and then from 2001 onward. It was originally believed to be the hiring of Jim Tressel coinciding with the beginning of the decline of Lloyd Carr, but as both coaches have been gone for years while our troubles still remain, the true answer must lie elsewhere.
And I now realize that this “elsewhere” is under the roof of my own house, in the form of a 5’3 Italian woman who I have been married to for the past 12 years. We started dating in the Spring of 2001 and things have never been the same for UM football since. After doing the math, I informed her yesterday that “her” record against OSU since we’ve been together is a miserable 2-14, while in the 21 seasons preceding our relationship UM’s record was 14-6-1.
It gets even worse. I think I can trace the exact date when I sold out Michigan football to the Devil in the name of “true love”. On Saturday November 17, 2001, Michigan played Wisconsin and pulled a victory out of their @sses for the ages. I was in Vegas with my then girlfriend for my birthday weekend, and we were watching the game in the Caesar’s sports book. The euphoria of the incredible ending must have consumed me, or perhaps it was the excessive amounts of alcohol I had been drinking that day and evening. Either way, later on that night was the first time my future wife and I uttered the words “I love you” to each other, and nothing has been right for UM football ever since.
The very next week was our first taste of Tressel Ball in a mind numbing loss to an inferior OSU team, and things have been crappy for our beloved Wolverines for almost every year thereafter. While my wife somehow managed not to taint my other favorite sports teams (Wings, Pistons, Tigers and to be honest, what could she possibly do to the Lions that they hadn’t already done to themselves?), she has clearly been the Black Widow for UM football.
While UM football has suffered, our marriage has thrived, which I can only assume is due to a Rogue-type X-Men power she must possess to transfer the previous strength of UM football into our relationship. This must be the case since before we got together, I couldn’t stay in a relationship for longer than 6 months.
I love my wife very much, but I now know what must be done. I am going to contact a divorce attorney in the morning, and even though I will be looking at a gaping hole in my personal life and a substantial hit to my wallet from the alimony payments, I am ready to take one for the team. Being the “leaders and best” means making the right moral decision, even if it’s an unpopular one, all in the name of the greater good.
We have a huge road test coming up against the #2 team in the country with John F’ing O’Korn as our QB. I must leave nothing to chance. I will keep all of you apprised on what will hopefully be an expeditied divorce proceeding, and I will be sure to sign the words “Go Blue” on every future child support check.
If you think I am being outlandish with this procolomation, I urge you for once to stop thinking about your otherwise worthless selves, and focus instead on the only thing in this world that matters:
The team
The Team
THE TEAM
Thanks and Go Blue!
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